Here Lies the Beef

Three cows in a field.

One black.

One white.

One black and white.

Multiculturalism in action.

Well done cows.

From The back of My Freezer to the Front of My Face.

I know Linda McCartney!

She stares at me from a box of vegetarian sausages

I bought in 1993

Stored at the back of my freezer behind a bag of frozen peas

I wonder if they’re worth anything.

Must be!

Don’t say anything cringeworthy, Paul, you old attention-seeking withered whore.

Or I’ll give you one from my knuckle-top four

And you will take your final tour.

Hello?

Goodbye!

Get Back!

Wooo!

Let It Be!

You’re diminishing the value of my frigid legacy.

Squirrel Army

Knees on sink rim, think I to glimmer a squint of the Squirrel Army
Ah me, does me old art good to see em march passed me
Regimentals grey, taches bushy sprays out from nose to arse
Proud fellows all, nut bucklers smartly shining
Blimey calm me it’s the Squirrel Army.
And to think of fortnight hence when buck-toothed men
Will fend off cat on fence fur a flying, squealing, hissing catcophony.
Beat the bested beast back retreat it will on first attack
For Good King Cyril of the Squirrels did grant protection on me.
Thank my lucky stars, from Cat I fear no pains nor scars
For the Boys of the Squirrel Regiment do secure my lands and charge no rent
Excepting dry roasted peanuts by the door on Friday
And certain other favours lady’s modesty not withstanding.

The Invariable Terror of Cat

I alone on dreary day with bin rescued Kahlua and Paper Folding Fun 5

Fumbling at threads and clacking tired tongue against rented dentures

Falling in and out of consciousness in luke-warm bath

Wrapping towel around head til neck hurts

Blurting indiscriminately

Partly farting.

"What's that?"

Clattering bin lids

Metallic scratches of Shatner's Bassoon

Causes I to shat I's pants Home Alone at noon

What worrying troublesome something scurrying hurriedly

Dressing gown, dressing down frown, dressing messed with brown mounds

Rolled up paper, alertly ready to face impending danger, sweat neck drips, air whips

Power Ranger.