Sliding Sauce...

I went to a café and asked for a bacon sandwich.

The girl said “You want sauce, love?” in an Eastern European accent.

I stood there and dribbled slightly.

“Brown or red?”

I nodded.

She tutted and put brown in there.

Perhaps if I had said red we would be wed by now.

The Grave of the Unkown Squirrel

I saw a dead squirrel on the side of the road

On a hot day in posh Regents Park.

A fat man with sunglasses ignored it.

No one called the coroner.

The local dogs had palates too refined

For sun-braised road-kill.

Poor nut-obsessed chap.

As yet unpecked.

Born into the wrong species.

His death of supreme indifference.

Simply a victim of progress.

Like The Luddites.

Or vapourised Palestinian children.

World Cup Selection

I have been training hard.

I kick a ball against a wall three times a day.

That’s 9 kicks a day.

Sometimes two in a  row.

I run up and down the stairs

Until I’m sick.

I stole some traffic cones

And run around them

Until I fall over.

I dug out my England shirt

From 1984.

It pinches and rides up over my tummy.

I drink milkshakes to get me strong.

I paint white lines on my bedroom floor.

I kicked an apple over my fence.

I’m ready.

My mind is sharp.

I have sun tan lotion on my nose.

Now I’m sitting in the hall

Waiting for Roy to call.

Absolute Biscuit

All Hail Mister McFriend

When you are in trouble

His help will he lend.

Warm hearted, tender

Befriender of all

Spiritual bartender

Forgiver of fools.

All Hail Mayor McFriend

Houser of orphans

The vulnerable defends.

Fighting injustice

Corrupt swept away

Doing his best

To bring brighter days

All Hail Emperor McFriend

Imprisoning critics

His will it won’t bend

Tear gas at protests

A moon laser planned

He is the greatest

A GOD for these lands.

Insecure Robot

Provisions piling up in my arms
Clutching cheese
Losing grapes
I, B McF, holder of loyalty card
Spurner of baskets
Arrive at self-checkout
Thus sidestepping the choking terror
Of till small-talk:
"How are you?"
"Would you like a bag?"
Shaking hands
Wallet-dropping perspiration.
I scan my items through
Praying that all goes smoothly
And no assistance is necessary.
I have a bottle of cooking sherry
For emergencies.
The machine beeps:
"Approval needed!"
"All right" I say.
"You're good at scanning things."
Insecure Robot.
I fail to win her over.
"Wait for assistance."
I'm no good at compliments.

A Miscarriage of Justice

I saw him shivering and flinching

His two back legs crushed

His black eyes wide with shock.

I asked him if he was all right.

But he didn't reply.

I called the police and told them

Of the heinous, wicked

Evil act. The clues, suspicions

A complete account of the facts.

They thanked me for my thoroughness

But told me that it was not their business.

That perhaps I should find a sturdy stick

And cave the victim’s skull in with it.

They told me more and finally that

They have not the powers to arrest a cat.

Intruder!

I hide in the cupboard

Between the cornflakes

Below the spluttering boiler

Above the milk lake.

It’s dark in the cupboard

There’s a small crack of light

I peak through the slit

At the man in my sight

He’s scoffing my toast

The crumbs fall on the floor

He chews and he snuffles

And then gets up for more.

He wears my grey dressing gown

He’s fat and he’s mad

He scratches his bottom

And then sniffs his left hand.

He uses the shower gel

And leaves on the tap

Flecks the mirror with toothpaste

And never replaces the cap

I hide in this cupboard

And creep out by night

I piss in a flower pot

Forever planning my flight

But he’s going next Tuesday

He says it’s just for a while

Pubic hair in my bathroom

Unspeakably vile.

I can’t let him find me,

I wish he were gone.

This trespassing usurper,

My brother John.